Last year I wrote this blogpost about my father: https://www.joyincreation.com/2015/06/21/dear-dad-2/ and a bit earlier this post https://www.joyincreation.com/2015/05/01/compassion-forgiveness/
Yes like anyone else I guess, my parents and my relationship with them have been a big part of my life. Huge catalysts for growth. Thank you dear Mom and DadNot good enough

Back then (haha only a year ago!) when I wrote that post I had broke up with my Father, because I felt I couldn’t get through to him and there was resentment for leaving me for another country, wife and child. It was all about me, I was hurt, I was not welcome to save or help him, I felt rejected, neglected and useless. It was all about me. He wanted to do it his way and I should have let him. I see that now, but not back then. I felt left behind, unimportant and not seen. This is a pattern I had with him (and the rest of the world) all my life. I never felt important or good enough. Not with my parents, but also not at school, where I was severely bullied. I felt hopelessly in the way, useless, odd, over sensitive and dumb. I so desperately tried to get my father to show me that he loved me and approved of me. I feel this started when I was very young. He was a sea man and away a lot for months navigating the oceans and when he moved back home to work more locally he was either working or at the local soccer club. He worked in shifts and sometimes we hardly saw him for days or weeks. After my parents divorced I moved in with my father and I sort of ended up being the “wife” and care giver in the relationship. It just never felt like the Father-Daughter relationship I wanted and needed so much. He was a good and kind man, don’t get me wrong! I had great times with him, we did a lot, traveled, talked hours and hours, took day trips, went on holidays. He was always very generous and helpful. He just never expressed much that he was proud of me and never was too encouraging about my choices, which made me very insecure. He even never got angry with me (just once, a moment I have never forgotten) so I also used to try and get him angry, just to show me a reaction, an emotion. I just craved some encouragement, a feeling that he was proud of me and that he loved me. I feel now that he did, he just had a hard time expressing it, even to the very end. I feel that this is because of his own past of being an orphan. He was raised by family, but not by his own mother (she died when he was very young) and he never knew his father. I guess energetically that does something to a person to feel ungrounded, no matter how lovingly you have been raised.

Let go in love

Trying to get my father’s attention and love was such a painful struggle and it just drained me. After traveling to The Philippines one final time to see him, trying to salvage our relationship and not being able to do this, on the plane back home I vowed to break up with him, I had failed. I would let him go in love and not let this drain me any longer. I felt empowered and justified. He wanted to do this by himself, let him. But last year when I met him at my Grandmother’s cremation, I saw him and just wanted to reconnect. I already forgave him for I never blamed him, there was really nothing to forgive, it just wasn’t working for me and I decided to step back. But we rekindled and started writing again (he lived far away in The Philippines). He was then already having some pains but not knowing what it was. He was to go and see a doctor as soon as he returned home. He was diagnosed with Cancer and he died almost two weeks ago. Thankfully he traveled to The Netherlands in May to say his goodbyes.

No more excuses

Now I have no more parents in the physical world. No more excuses about having to safe other people and lead other people’s life. I am now on my own. This feels scary and freeing at the same time. All opportunities are open. Nothing holding me back. But the focus is also on me. On my self care, on my neglect thereof and about my healing as my heart has been broken, broken open. All my senses have heightened and I just feel ungrounded and strangely okay with it for now. The not knowing and the resting.

Lose control and like it

I have always had a problem of letting go of control, letting life flow. I have such high expectations of myself and others. I want to so do my very best. So afraid of failure. But define failure? Really. Boy am I being taught now in every way that I need to take my foot of the break and just roll with it. And most importantly I chose to let go of the story, the excuse of having to take care of other people. This is a very old pattern and hard to break, but hey I like a challenge. I feel that if I can’t be of help to anyone I am rendered useless. But I keep forgetting that a broken Charissa, can’t help anyone and only creates worry or annoyance for others. And that is the last thing I want, to be a bother. Let us let go of our ideas of how we think life should look like. Let life open up to us and work with us. Let us co-create from a place of peace and not from pain and hurt.

Fake happy families

And let’s face it, most of us in this day and age grow up with the big brainwash box, the mind programming device called a television. Our idea of what a father (and families) “should” be like is totally programmed. I guess most people even prefer the television above their family. If given the choice, they would rather watch tv than talk to their family members. Television has long been like a member of the family. In some countries televisions occupy almost every room, and family members are exposed to it from infancy. It baby-sits, educates, gives comfort, and tells us what family life should be like. Even though most people do not consider television a major part of their lives, it is an inescapable part of modern culture.

For instance who didn’t grow up yearning for a tight family unit such as these? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/01/tv-shows-family_n_4876352.html
You looked at yours and you were so disappointed weren’t you? Why do we let a few major companies tell us what families should look like, what an ideal family is, how spouses are supposed to behave, how parents are expected to treat their children, and how families resolve problems? This is all conscious programming. Let’s be clear about that and remember.

Letting go of expectation

Perhaps we should not compare and not expect anything in this life, not of other people and not of ourselves. Let ourselves and others of the hook. Let us all aspire to be the best version of who we can be in this now moment. And not take everything so damn personally. I “forgave” my father and mother. I have never been one to hold grudges, but I had some core wounds that needed to be healed and I also some blame towards my parents. When we choose not to forgive, we remain stuck, unchangeable, and unmoving. It’s as if we’re chaining ourselves to our past and the people who harmed us, which prevents us from moving forward and out of old patterns. But what I realize is that I need to forgive myself.

Do our best

I see a world where everyone tries their best. We are all trying to figure out this experience which is physical life. Some of us have had more practice and some of us are quite new to this experience. Can we please focus on our own growth and help others when they ask you for help. People have Free Will. Grant them that. This doesn’t mean to never offer help or your opinion, but ask others if this is welcome first, give them a choice. If they want to do whatever they are doing on their own and their way, let them. That is love.

Roll With It

Well I am like a stuck record, I have told and written this story about my father and family so many times, trying to make it okay in my head, trying to explain myself and my feelings. And you know what! I am done telling this story. Cause that is also what it feels like now, a story. It doesn’t matter. What matters now is that there is just love. I love my parents, I miss them, but I feel they are fine, no they are doing great. They are needed in another dimension now, their work on Earth was done. Their time on Earth in bodysuits is over. They are free spirits now, without pain and sadness.

I am Creator

I am not a victim, I am the creator of my story and the pages are blank and ready to be filled with great adventures! And so is your book of life. It is waiting to be written by you. I choose to decide how I feel and let myself no longer be ruled by my emotions.. Are you with me? Emotions have gotten me nowhere and send me on a wild goose chase. Going round in circles. I am dizzy of running around in circles. I want to go straight ahead, towards the rainbow. I am here to enjoy that ride there. I love sight seeing, taking in the views and meeting new and interesting people along the way (I am also going to travel more, now nothing is holding me back!). Let us wander and explore in our own time. Let’s just be and be amazed.

So I want to ask you. What is your story? How long have you been telling this? And what is this story doing for you? Is it empowering? Or is it keeping you small and victimized? Please know that you write your story and your imagination is the limit. Is your story holding you back from healing?

Remember. any time you hold resentment, you hurt yourself. While you outwardly blame a person or situation, inwardly you beat yourself up for being a part of that relationship or experience. Start untying yourself from blame and resentment. The resulting freedom will allow you to venture into the world, adventurous and happy. Every day is an opportunity to begin again. Each moment is an opportunity to begin again.

Happy Father’s Day!!!

Much love, Charissa xxx