Wow it has taken me long to write my response to the whole Zen Gardner/Don Ferguson expose. It took me so long because well life got in the way (surprisingly wonderful and hot weather in The Netherlands and I just had to play outside!) and I was moving through so many responses that I couldn’t make sense of my own feelings. From initially congratulating him on his bravery to now being baffled and disappointed by his cowardice and manipulation. My dislike of throwing dirt and passing judgement also held me back in responding. I know some of my past lives and I wasn’t sweet & nice in all of them. I believe (yes a belief) that all of us go through different lives, playing different roles, and we just don’t see the greater picture here on Earth. At first this situation felt like a witch hunt and I didn’t want to engage. I dislike fights and throwing dirt at people sincerely. I wanted to know more about the situation before passing any sort of judgement. And like I wrote, I do not like passing judgement as there are always two sides to every story and no one has the whole picture. This is all about ego and right and wrong, dualistic thinking blah blah, yes it is just perception and who are we to judge? But this situation involves so much more than just egos. This is looks like it it so much bigger. And note that I write “looks” because does anyone really know the truth? Here are children involved and they can’t speak up for themselves so who are we to sit back and do nothing? We need to stand up and change this situation, this needs to be exposed. Therefor I decided to write this and make clear that I am not condoning Zen’s silence about his past for all these years and especially not his behavior right now. The past is in the past and yes I shouldn’t cast stones because none of us are perfect, but I feel he needs to step up and own this fully now. Honesty and integrity is needed to heal this. Community is important and this has been damaged, but we can come out of this stronger thanks to this situation. We must strive for grace and harmony. So also this is a plea to Zen/Don. But ofcourse, we all have our own path, our own wounds, our own darkness to deal with. And how we handle this is up to us. Can we judge? For now I am, I’m afraid and this is what I make of my conflicting emotions now. I know I am not being impeccable and I am in conflict about this. I also feel there will be many exposes to follow so we all need to learn to deal with this in a calm manner.
I need to apologize and I am very sorry for reacting too soon on his blogpost with quite a supportive messages. At that time I wasn’t aware of how deep this was going and what this so called confession truly meant. It sure teaches me to take time and respond, not react on first read. I apologize and I retract any seemingly support to this man at this time. I have removed the link to his site from my website.
For people that have no idea what this is about. Here is a bit of the background and what my feelings are on the matter. At this time.
Life is a Cult
Last week one of my favorite “warriors for truth” has come out of the so called closet admitting he was in a cult, even a leader, for 27 years. The cult being the Children of God. His reluctant “coming clean” here: http://www.zengardner.com/my-missing-years/
My first response was in the line of good on you for being truthful and bringing this out in the open and providing a space for other people to do the same, follow the example so to speak and bring cults under attention so they can be exposed. But then, when I had more time to dig deeper into this I found out that he was forced to come out as he was threatened by others that they were about to expose him. And I didn’t know that much about the Children of God. Then I found out more about ” The Family” and how it is all based on child-abuse and it is pedophile cult and I was shocked. People’s opinions are flying around on truth blogs, both supportive and condemning him. I decided to withdraw and stop reading all the confusing messages about this and see how I feel about this, personally. And I needed to look at this more carefully. Both Don Ferguson (Zen Gardner’s real name) and The Children of God’s background.
With horror and great sadness I watched videos about The Children of God and it’s victims. The stories made me ill and emotionally drained. I moved through so many emotions. I felt so much pain for the victims, but also compassion for my own pain of abuse, and I was just grossed out by the scale and darkness of it all. Tears were rolling down my cheeks. I was so moved, it is hard not to go into judgement with these images and experiences. It was so painful to watch. The encouragement of free love between adults and children. This sort of abuse is so hard to acknowledge and to forgive. The abusing of children is the worst crime possible as these human beings will never be fully healed of this trauma, it will hurt them all their lives. It makes my skin crawl. But I am trying not to let this cloud my vision, my vision for a world without these horrible acts of abuse.
Layers of emotions
I moved through so many contradictory and confusing emotions. And now writing this I am actually grateful for all of this coming to surface for all of us that are experiencing the same. For these emotions can now be released and healed. I believe this is the perfect time for this to come to light. We have so many energies and light to support us right now. All truth will come out. And all lies will be exposed. I do feel that if it still hurts, it needs healing, if it still has power over you, it is better to expose this and love this part of you in order to let it go. Zen may have felt that this is so far in his past and he has come such a long way, that it should stay in the past. That he feels like someone else entirely now. Not Don.. anymore. I can understand that. I understand the power of fear, but it does NOT make this right. Especially in his position he should never have lied about this!
After the first emotions of shock and horror, feelings of betrayal reared its head, how could he have fooled so many people and keep this a secret when all he writes about is the truth. Why didn’t he come clean before he dreamt up this alter ego Zen Gardner? Why did he hide this on purpose? He would have been the perfect person to expose these, these, oh there is no word for it, horrific cults. How can we trust anyone anymore? I felt a great sense of disillusionment. Can we really trust anyone? I am so tired of being let down and deceived. Then I felt deeper and felt that such big secrets are very difficult to admit to, how does one bring this into the world without creating havoc. Lies tend to start living their own lives and sometimes the liar starts believing their own bullshit. It must bring up a lot of fear and old memories for Don/Zen as well, he may not want to revisit. But that is no excuses for someone like Don/Zen as he has a role in the truth community. He choose to step into the limelight and call himself a truth warrior. How can you live such a lie??! Then I thought he may still be under mind control and been so brainwashed that he actually feels he is Zen Gardner now and that he is so disconnected from his feelings that he actually feels no remorse (psychopath)? Or that he feels an entirely different person without a dark past? I don’t know? But after reading his responses and following blogs I feel he is very aware and uses very cunning language and tricks to deceive us all, once again.
And the alleged lying continues. Don/Zen said he was aware of the abuse but did not contribute. In my opinion (and yes it is just an opinion and I may not be right) you contribute when you see evil and don’t do anything about it plus I don’t think he would have become a leader if he didn’t contribute. And 27 years!!! This is a long time and by that time he should have known better and I believe he could have stepped out sooner. But then again I have read about cults and seen documentaries and I can understand that it is hard to leave with all the mind control and threats. You have no free will anymore. You can’t think for yourself. Cognitive Dissonance kicks in. I get it, but why did it take him so long and until he was threatened to be exposed, before coming forward with this? This is why organisations such as MK Ultra need to be exposed, this has to stop. We humans have the right to be free, to think for ourselves! TO be our true selves, not some phantom image we are thought to believe that we are! But Don joined when he was 22! It is not like he grew up in a cult. And did he truly leave or is he just infiltrating and brainwashing the consciousness movement? So many questions!
Digging deeper, underneath all that pain, I also feel pain for the leaders, for the so called perpetraitors as I do not believe they joined a cult and were brainwashed because they were such happy people to begin with. Who is the victim, who is the victor? In these situations there is neither. They all suffered and are clearly still suffering. This does not condone Don’s silence all this time in his current potition. This does not mean that perpetraitors can continue on this path without owning their crimes to humanity (as harming children is!) and asking for forgiveness and do everything they can in their power to make some of this better. Fully face the victims (all the abused children and also everyone that has been deceived and lied to) and ask for SINCERE forgiveness. No bullshitting, sweet talking and deflecting. Total honesty is needed.
Now at this moment, I am very disappointed (my emotions) by Zen’s stance in this situation. He doesn’t seem at all apologetic and his posts are full of NPL manipulation. Now don’t misunderstand me, I don’t want him to wallow in guilt, but he hardly seems compassionate to people who respond to his revalation with pain as they have been victims of a cult themselves. He is still manipulating readers and not being truthful at all. Zen reacts (not responds) aloft and goes totally into victim mode himself. In defence, no remorse. Also I see a lot of negative responses dissapear from his site and it shows now mainly supportive responses. The ego is a strong beast to tame and I am sure not going to stroke it. I hope Zen does a lot of inner digging and healing and not only responds to people who are kissing his behind. I hope he now seizes the opportunity to help expose and bring down the Children of God. My feelings are that he should close his site and persona Zen Gardner and clean up the crap he left behind. He needs to own this and take accountability. Stop the spiritual bypassing as this is too serious. His respons is way too evasive and doesn’t feel sincere at all. This darkness needs to be made conscious. Now is time, and it is long overdue, for Don to come clean (and boy does this need a lot of soap!) and he needs stop being vague and playing this victim/martyr card that is coming through in the articles. Reading his latest responses http://www.zengardner.com/few-replies/ and http://www.zengardner.com/sifting-through-the-debris/, it looks like he won’t admit to anything anytime soon, but will try to hold up the “Zen Gardner” persona/role as long as possible, while using is NPL style “image management” for damage-control and divert people form the truth.
I and no one else knows how Zen truly feels, how he was brought into this world, no one walked his path. We can never know better and say what he has to do and how he has to feel. All I know is how I feel and what I feel he should do and that is what I share here. To be honest we can never really know what someone is really experiencing. Each path is unique and we all need to heal our wounds in our way. We can however share how we are feeling in this situation and we are free to express this. But only in order to make sense of ourselves and our feelings, to help us heal, but never to hurt the other as this is useless. So hereby Zen’s very side of the story – please make up your own mind.
Heal our shadow
Many of us have an unconscious willingness to be fooled by appearances. It is easier to reject evidence than to admit we’ve been wrong. It is hard to see people we look up to fall off their pedestals. But this is a good thing to have happen as it is a good reminder that we are all human and all equal and there is nothing we can tumble down from, it is just our projection, as everything is. Also we must not forget that none of us are perfect, and we should also be honest with ourselves if we are totally upfront about our own past and present. Are you? The human psyche has an enormous capability for self-deception. Just because Don/Zen is accomplished in some areas, this doesn’t mean he is all love and light. By assuming this, we are enabling this abuse to happen. I hope all Zen’s fan step back and disconnect and take stock of their own unconscious shadows and unreflected assumptions. Let go of the positive image and stop tranquilizing ourselves and protecting ourselves from our own pain, think of the pain of all the victims of the cult. All is not well in Zen’s Garden. There is some serious weed pulling to be done. There is darkness in this world and in each and every one of us. Stop hiding from it. Let us not give away our power. We need to think and FEEL for ourselves. As the people who hold a vision for a world of peace and joy, we need to stand in a circle, arm in arm, supporting each other. And especially in this truth community, not start attacking one another or start promoting people to gurus. We need to stand strong in love, equal and united. So much shit will hit the fan when all truth comes out. We really must train our compassion muscles and our LOVING HEARTS to make this transition, this flipping back of reality, work.
So where do I stand. I stand in compassion. Compassion for the innocent children, and for myself as well, as I feel such pain when I read so much blame and anger. So many people giving away their power and projecting their pain upon others. I feel fear when it takes so little to divide a community of truth and light and turn it into an angry mob. I feel compassion for all who are hurting, including Don/Zen. I hope he seizes this opportunity to make up for his path and to let this part of his life go. I hope he opens up to his pain for all his innocence lost and his longing for peace and belonging as I know he can feel this if he lets himself. I also feel so much compassion for the people that are attacking him from hurt, hurt they have suffered in their lives and also the people that are supporting everything Zen says without question. I see their confusion, their need for stability and peace, but most of all I see a yearning for truth, trust, surrender and love. Let is be so.
Also I feel gratitude for Zen/Don for his blog has helped me open up my eyes and introduced me to many great concepts and other writers. Through his blog I started to wake up further and it helped me not feel so alone on my path. I am grateful for all the support and all the love shared there by people. And I am hopeful that this post by Zen helps other people heal their painful past and give people courage to speak up and come clean about their own past. Let go of all burden. I hope we can all step out of judgement and reactive behavior and be grateful for this opportunity to heal this pain inside of us. Ofcourse people will say that I have it easy as I have never been part of a cult. True that. But I have had my fair share of pain and abuse, and I am human. I can feel compassion for other people’s path and with all the coaching and healing I do I see so much pain is kept in place by people by living in the past and holding on to judgement and old patterns and beliefs of not being good enough. So much blame, blame to self, blame to others. I also see and have experienced myself how much peace can be found in releasing all old stories and just letting all of that go. Letting all need for revenge or false safety go. Remaining in old pain and patterns can also bring false safety, as it is all we have known and know. Let this be an opportunity to change from reacting in the same old matter into responding with love and feeling expansion in your response. Not restriction. Set yourself free. I am not saying that what Don did is no biggie and waving it off as a small slip. No! That is why I am writing about it right now, as I feel how this brings up so much pain for people. But I also see what a great catalyst for change this can be. I am writing this asking you to seize this opportunity for change. You don’t have to keep reading Zen’s blog and to become his biggest fan. No I ask you to become your own biggest fan. Let this go. Use it as a marker of your own pain and heal this so we can all move on. Together.
This also shows that we always must use discernment and listen to our gut feelings. I read so many people stating that they have always felt something is off about Zen. Well let this be a lesson to listen to these feelings next time. And don’t beat ourselves up about being cheated once again. Let this be a lesson to act on your feelings next time. This is a great reminder for myself as I felt something was off with Zen. He always seemed nervous, his body language was very erratic. I brushed it off as a form of attention deficit disorder. He just seemed distracted all the time. I met him in real life and also in interviews I noticed this behavior. But I brushed it off and never really paid enough attention to it. Also not to the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. I also have this feeling with some other people in this community and I have to go back and detach from them as well for a while. I feel like true discernment is key right now. There are too many people posing to be of the light, but have a hidden dark agenda. It hurts though to let go of people you always felt highly off and trusted. It hurts over and over again to be betrayed. But I refuse to go back into my bubble of love and light and shut myself off from these painful lessons.
In order for us all to move on to a world of peace, we have a lot of forgiving to do, starting with ourselves. Does any of this blaming and shaming really help anyone? Let us stay united and supportive of each other. The world is cruel enough. We are divided by pros, do not let them conquer us. It is up to us! Get a hold of your emotions and think and feel clearly! This is only the tip of the iceberg. This is about our future! Do not get distracted please. There is so much more at work here. I hope we can all let go, forgive, heal and move on. Let us all start by forgiving ourselves for having been mislead over and over and over in our lives. How were we to know. We have been deceived from birth. Kept small from birth. The truth has been spinned and inversed all our lives. How are we to know. But now the truth is coming to light, we know and we know better that to react in old word ways. We know that love is what should rule our actions. Let us all be quiet for now, take our time to move back into our hearts, without distraction, and feel this pain and nurture it. Give it what it needs. Love it. Again there is no right or wrong. There just is…love. But love doesn’t block out clear thinking and discernment. I for now choose to step back and I hope Don/Zen starts doing the so called right thing. Again right/wrong, there is no such thing. I hope something good (bad, again … judgement, I know) comes out of this. And we can all focus on bringing darkness to the light (again inversion…).
All the world is a cult
As I have been awakening in my own spiritual life as the years go by, I feel the whole world is a cult being swayed to follow leaders. There are all kinds of leaders, leaders of a political party, a spiritual guru, and spiritual teacher, a psychic, media anchor men, or a president. The list goes on and on and people keep following. For me this experience was a well needed lesson, a heads up and warning. Yes a huge wake up call! It made me ponder what this says about ourselves and our so called truth community? Let us be aware of cults and see how this sort of blindly following other people leads to the forming of cults. Beware of brainwashing. We are falling for exactly what we are so trying to heal; Cults, beliefs, sheepish behavior, brainwashing and fear. This is not truth, truth is thinking for ourselves, connecting to our hearts and exposing all darkness and turn it into light.
Let go of emotions, as this will lead you to the dark. Let yourself be guided by true feelings, feelings of the heart. So for now I am letting this sit and distance myself from Zen’s blog. I have removed the link to his site on my website and I will let the truth emerge. For now I am withdrawing from this stream of information. I need some silence and connect with my divine truth. So much negativity is draining. I am going to restore, come back to center and listen to my heart. I need to connect some dots, and this takes time. So for now, this is it. I will let it rest and marinate a bit. I feel there is more to this, a lot darker territory. A lot darker truth. I hope it comes to the light soon and that people wake up and follow the cult of themselves! Stop following other people, live your life. And so it is!
We can move past this because we know a greater truth is coming from this. Let love rule and peace prevail. I also hope Don steps up and addresses his integrity and helps bring cults down and stop this insanity.
Lots of strength to all of you.
Love always, Charissa xxx
Some links to responses from other people:
Zen Gardner & The Children of God: An Expose
An Open Letter to Don Ferguson-AKA Zen Gardner
The Devastation That Zen Left Behind
Zen Gardner: A Flea Barking at Lions
The Zen Gardner Deception
The Cult of Zen Gardner: A Monster in Disguise
Along Came A Gardner
The Zen Gardner Deception — Outed As A Pedophile Cult Leader
Digging In The Dirt: Zen Gardner, Occult Abuse, and the Art of Deflection