How are you? I so hope you are well and taking good care of yourself and your energy.
I am going to make this brief as my eyes are not handling the screen very well.
I had a rough week. I fell into old patterns of overwhelm and of not setting healthy boundaries. Old patterns of working too fast, too much and too long and ignoring all physical and mental signs that I was heading for an abyss. I just kept running…and running…straight to the edge. Wooow hang on crazy coyotes. Stop it right now.
Questions for re-lease
These old patterns of working too hard and pushing myself to the edge, did bring up a lot of questions to work with so I can release them in this very special and auspicious time. Seeing this actually makes me grateful for feeling this way once again. And I really hope ONEce again. No more!
Questions like what am I running away from? Why do I have such a hard time saying no?
And what do I not want to see? Because my sight is blurry at the moment, I can hardly read anything. It is a bit better than last week when I was almost blind, but it is really scary actually. Right eye is in contact with the left side of the brain. The left hemisphere is dominant in language: processing what you hear and handling most of the duties of speaking. It’s also in charge of carrying out logic and exact mathematical computations. When you need to retrieve a fact, your left brain pulls it from your memory. So I guess it has something to do again with re-membering. A lot of memories from the past I had ‘forgotten’ or repressed are actually coming up. A lot of painful memories and sensations. So yes it does all make sense.
My life for the past years have been about re-membering and right now I feel divided in so many tiny pieces, all going their own way and doing their own thing. I feel scattered and not whole at all. Yes that still part inside of me is strong and yes I can sort of zoom out and see my little self going through this, but my little ego and outside reflection is in shambles. My body needs rest and so does my mind. I crave stillness and if I were an animal I would now retreat into a cave and not emerge until Spring. Fall is about retreating, about slowing down, about reflecting. So do what you can to be alone and to feed your soul and body if this is what you need. I am making extra time to rest and cuddle up in a warm blanket. Sooth myself and rest.
This weekend I am sitting and ‘working’ (lol more work!) with all these questions and meditating and making SoulCollage® cards and using tarot cards for insight. Yesterday I spent time away from the screen and went into the real world to fill my soul with friendship and art – visited the Foam and Stedelijk museum with my best friend. My body and eyes need a screen break. The screen hurst my eyes and my shoulder and mouse arm are very painful. So making this brief, but feel the need to share.
So about saying “no”
As social beings, we are driven to preserve our relationships and so it can be difficult to let people down even if it is the right thing for you. We don’t want to be seen as week or uncaring. So often we say yes when we actually want to say no.
So yesterday at work I gathered my nerve and said no, no more, I need a time out. I need to finish what I am working on and get some sort of overview, before delving into new projects. And I immediately felt better. What first was a feeling of weakness, soon turned into a feeling of empowerment. And of self-care. I love myself enough to say no.
Saying no doesn’t have to be so hard. It can be easier if we prepare. If you see the moment you need to say no (preferably before you have a melt down) coming plan out your response. If possible use the steps as taught in non-violent communication.
Don’t make excuses or offer explanations, but do offer an alternative if you can. The goal is to offer compromise so they don’t take offense to you saying no and you don’t feel guilty for turning down a request that would add unneeded stress to your life.
By saying yes to all things that make you’d rather say NO to, to things that are draining you and making you ill you are actually saying no to yourself, to your needs, to your soul, to being true to yourself. You don’t have to say no to everything. Just discern what gives you energy and what drains you. And recognize overwhelm and stress. Recognize and honor the signs don’t push them away hoping they just disappear. Also discern why you need to say yes or no. We say yes to things out of fear of perhaps not being liked or accepted but we also say no automatically to a lot of things that are not comfortable and are actually good for us to say yes to so we can expand and grow. So the point being is to take a step back, to slow down and to discern where your energy is at all times and why and where you are and where you are going. Make conscious choices.
I made this card to express how I am feeling, or was feeling the past weeks as I am feeling bit better now – this process helps me see and helps me choose another option. Expressing how we feel in a healthy way helps us see patterns and heal them. Creative expression heals.
So no now to say yes later
I see so many people, friends, co-workers, people I read about in the media, burning out. It is a true epidemic. And my heart cries. Because I have been there before, three times, and it is hard, it is so so hard to feel so drained that nothing brings you joy anymore. And I wish everyone a life of joy and passion I now share with you this heads up and this inspiration to start saying no and to inspire you that you give yourself permission to love yourself and take care of yourself. If you topple over, you can’t serve anyone anymore. So say no now in order to be able to say yes later. A big joyful yes and not a Yes that comes from fear and lack.
This is also a reminder to be more mindful, to ground and center and do more inner work. To stop automatic living and start consciously creating. I slipped up, that happens, we all slip and fall. But it is about grabbing yourself back together, healing and getting back up.
Getting back up with renewed inspiration and gusto.
Getting up because you care, because you are worth it.
You choose and you create. Choose life.
Much love and happy days.
Reading what I wrote I want to add that I also feel that there is much more going on then just daily living and working overwhelm. But perhaps because this has been my pitfall in the past, this is coming up for me now, in order to be released. But also the collective energy is heavy and so in flux. I also feel more and more sensitive by the day and so is my body. I react to things I never reacted to before. Almost everything makes me itch or break out, literally and figuratively speaking. There are so many timelines crossing at this ‘time’ it is just crazy and immensely confusing at times to discern what is going on. There is a lot of things going on we can’t see. But the more we can sense them. And some people may call me paranoid or think I am looking for excuses, but I do feel seriously energetically attacked. That is a strong word, but that is what it feels like. I also know that some of you understand and are experiencing the same thing and that is why I am sharing this post scriptum. There is so much energy influencing our body systems such as smart meters, wifi, 4G, etc. But that is not all, we are being influenced by geo engineering, poisons in our food and air, in our clothes and creams, our minds are programmed by television and media, etc. etc. it is a miracle we are even functioning somewhat these days. So it is no wonder that a lot of us are exhausted. Our bodies are depleted of real sunlight, of nourishment and our spirits are attacked by fear porn all day long. And no this is no excuse, I feel this is real. And this shit is heavy. And as a person who is quite aware of what is going on it is sometimes extra taxing. And it is also extra hard because I am directly attacked, especially at night. And yes this is where it becomes woowoo. And yes this is another call to you and an to myself to shield, multiple times a day, shield. And take it easy. Take care of yourself. Because yes all of this is true, but also the part that I just pushed myself too hard lately. I have been working too hard. A human being is not made to sit at a desk for so many hours a day, inside a building bathing in artificial led lighting. It is not healthy. It is not healthy to be under time pressure and to just work and no play or reflection. So it is up to me now to find that balance again, to choose to be more in nature and to take better care of myself. To rekindle my joy and heal. Because now my body just says NO.
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