Keep breathing, stay calm, take a time out, stop saying the word “busy”, let go, all is well. I kept repeating these mantras this week, knowing I wasn’t paying attention to any of it, so it was no use. Practice what you preach, walk your talk. Sigh. It is so easy to live mindfully and from the heart when all is well. But when you are challenged in life and feel like you have run out of energy, this proves to be quite difficult. But also a very necessary mind opener. Yet again.

Hurt ego and falling apart

You know this hurts, well my ego hurts, I thought I did so well, I felt so good and “sane” for such a long time, even though so much shit was happening, especially with my mother’s dis-ease and passing. I was in control and dealing with it (wise reminder, there is no such thing as control!) But lately I just feel drained, fuzzy headed and like the floor beneath me is crumbling away. I feel so unsteady and well somewhat scared. I feel such strong energies surging through me, it is difficult to stay grounded and trust I am being carried. I am so wired that things around me break down, one by one (mostly electrical), the latest being my computer last weekend (side-story: After buying a new iMac the old one resurrected itself on Easter!! It didn’t work for days and then suddenly it started itself! So the old Mac is called Jesus now. I sold it though, as I already bought the new one, so hope Jesus has found a good new home). I am now typing this on a fast new iMac. Happy with it, but a financial expense I didn’t need at this moment with all my mom’s debts and costs involved in cleaning up her house. And I keep telling myself, money will have no value soon, spend it now, money is just energy…blah blah, but this is a lot easier when your bank account is not in negative digits. Oh well, abundance another lesson I surely need to work on, and really define abundance. My life is so abundant! Life is abundant. I am now sitting here, sunshine in my face, birds singing and the smell of fresh flowers tickling my nose. Such bliss! So I am grateful for this energy of lack showing up and realizing it has no place with me, and also teaching me a lesson in asking and receiving. I find myself asking and receiving a lot easier, without shame or guilt. Asking for me has a very negative family pattern attached to it, so it is very hard for me to release this pattern of money equalling love. The need to do something back to earn it, to work hard and deserve, that is a biggie for me. We all deserve abundance, abundance is her in plenty! We just need to let it flow and not hoard it. Stop chasing it and letting it come to us. Be open to receive it. Even though you may think you are…are you really? Think and feel this within you, what is your answer?

Dear Dad

My father and I were very close when I was young. Of course there were difficulties and the usual family patterns and drama. But we got along, went on many holidays together and were more like friends then parent and child (same with my mother). Then years ago he moved to The Philippines, married and built a new life. We drifted apart. I felt abandoned, and unheard. I tried to connect with him by visiting twice, to no avail. I felt no more love and support. It hurt to my core. I so wanted a father, so needed a hug or any sign of interest. But nothing… I went back home and I did a lot of work on letting him go and respecting and understanding his path, peeling away layer by layer. When the time was right I broke contact with him, released him in love and then my back- and shoulder pains disappeared! I wrote about this in the blogpost Dear Dad. Then last year my Grandmother died and my father traveled to The Netherlands (which also pissed me off, he could never visit us, but when Oma died he was here right away!). So at her cremation we reconnected, he showed the initiative, he took my hand and I accepted. But soon afterwards I was disappointed yet again. He was staying in Europe for a couple of weeks and never bothered to visit me, even though I was staying at my mother’s house, in the same town he was staying at. So I waited and waited for him to contact me, but nothing. So the wound re-opened. But we did keep in contact via email.

Healing family patterns

So now, a few months ago he told me he has Cancer. At first he did well, and got treatment in The Philippines. But now all is going downhill. He is traveling to The Netherlands next week to seek advice from doctors here and he says he doesn’t think he will go back to The Philippines. I have a feeling he has given up and I hope he regains some hope here, at home with the people that love him. He will be staying at my Uncle’s house. And we are planning to meet next weekend. I feel I am worried and sad for him being in pain. But I also realize that it is not my role to save him. He knows I am here when he needs me. I am hereby releasing the old pattern that is emerging, the pattern of me caring for my parents and trying to save them, something I thought I had released before. In my body this shows up as back- and shoulder pain. And boy has my back been hurting the past week! (My brother has the same back pains, now I feel this is also connecting to Dad. I hope they meet each other and resolve their grudges. This is up to them, I learned my lesson not to mingle and trying to help). I hope to find back my peace and quiet this weekend and manage to bring it with me in the time to come. I am seeing this as a beautiful opportunity to love and be with what is and let go of all expectations and blame. I believe we need this, both of us, to be free and let go. I sort of lost track of the silent, peaceful place within my heart the past weeks, but so glad it is always there and I am always welcome to come home.

I believe…

Haha, I just noticed that the law of attraction is sending all kinds of ancestral healing on my path in form of teleseminars such as Kim Wilborn’s Ancestor Summit (just listened to another episode) and I just received Rudy Hunters Family Pattern Clearing call in my mailbox. So funny that, thank you Universe for helping me heal this. I so love how this works! We create our own life and lessons. And our own healing, never forget that! You know healing is not the right word, we are whole as we are. We just need to acknowledge and believe that.

Anyway, just sharing, so you know where I am at right now and I know that many people are going through the same. We are all going through the same stages, as we are all part of one Universal Energy. So sharing lessons and experiences makes our journey lighter and easier. We are together in this.

You haven’t seen many updates on this website and all is a bit silent. But so much is going on behind the scenes (working on more clarity, not wanting and needing to serve everyone, clearing excavating my core spirit and message, a new look and feel and new energy of my baby, Joy in Creation, she deserves it!) and of course within me, because I AM Joy In Creation. I need to process all what is happening and living within me before I am ready to go outside and enjoy the Spring sun and bloom out in the open. Also technical stuff is taking longer than expected. I can get lost on choosing fonts only for days!

Thank you for reading and sharing this space with me. Thank you for your support.

Please share your message or insights below. I love to read from you!

I wish you abundance, love and acceptance…open your heart to JOY

I AM Charissa

xx